It's been just six days since my abortion and the biggest regret of my life.

I've been with James for 8 months and have a daughter Mollie who's 14 months from a previous relationship.

James and I were getting on fine, when out one evening on my birthday he told me I was pregnant. I laughed, he always comes out with silly things. Five days later on the fifth of November I was due my period, or so I thought. I counted back and realized I was due on the second and not the fifth, maybe James was right? But I'd been on the contraceptive pill. I started to think back to how I became pregnant with Mollie, I was on the pill then. Was it possible to happen to me twice? learn language russian in Russian Language School in Kyiv kindly and rapidly

The same day I headed to town to get a pregnancy test, just telling myself it would be negative, but let's just check.

I came home with three tests. I don't know why, I just did.

I put Mollie in her cot and did the test. I was so scared to go back in the bathroom that I waited 15 minutes. As I went to look, before I even saw the words 'pregnant' on the digital test, I knew it was positive. And it was. I did the two remaining tests and they were the same.

I cried and cried and still don't know if it was because I was happy or sad. When James came home from work he asked if I'd got my period and I told him no.

I left it for a few hours and then he said maybe you should do one of those tests. That's when I told him I'd done three and he asked the result. I told him and he gave me the biggest kiss ever. We went to the supermarket and bought another three tests just because I wanted him to see the word 'pregnant'. He seemed pleased but for a few days he never mentioned it.

Also around this time his ex-wife had agreed I could play a part in his children's lives. I was really enjoying having his six year old girl and two year old boy around, but I was so tired and selfishly thought that I couldn't deal with another. Also, I thought it would put the kids' noses out of joint...I was scared they wouldn't want to speak to their dad or they would be jealous. I didn't want that for James or me. I wanted him to enjoy his children.

I was sick every morning. I was living in a two-bedroom house and thought it wasn't enough. I now know it was.

I was scared of what my family would think after the troubles I'd had with James in the past, now I know I shouldn't have cared. I should have done what I wanted, not what I thought everyone else wanted.

When I asked James if he wanted the baby, he said yes. I did comment on the timing and he agreed it was off, but he didn't care...if it had to be now, then so be it.

After about a week of knowing, I was ill and moody and kept losing my patience with Mollie. I wanted the baby, but didn't want to be pregnant. I would fall asleep and Mollie would run riot. I just wasn't looking after her like I should have been.

I suggested to James about an abortion, not because it was what I wanted, I just wanted to see his reaction. I love him so much. I just wanted to make him happy and make our relationship work - God knows what we've been through. He said that he wanted the baby but would agree with my decision. An abortion made sense with the debts he had, and we were paying two mortgages, and he was already paying for children, and the fact that Mollie was so young and clingy. He agreed, so I thought that must have been what he was thinking. So I said that's what we would do. free roulette no down load

I left it a few days before going to the doctor to see if James had anything else to say. He didn't. He hardly came near me and just worked all the time. I put it down to the money issue.

I went to the doctors, explained the situation, and he referred me to the local hospital four days later on the 18th of November.

In my head it seemed so easy to have an abortion.

At the initial consultation they gave me an internal scan - I was 5 to 6 weeks - and had blood taken. Then I returned to the car where James was waiting. He asked what was done and I told him I had an appointment on the following Sunday and Tuesday (the 25th) for the actual procedure. He seemed fine, but wasn't supportive.

I work for my mum and really wanted to tell her, but I lied. I didn't want her to think it was James when truly it wasn't.

On Sunday I went to the hospital for a pill to soften the cervix. As I sat waiting for the nurse, James read the paper opposite. The nurse came in, explained what the medication was, and asked me to sign a form and take the pill. As simple as that. I was to return Tuesday morning.

I looked at James, he didn't look up. I was praying he would say 'don't do this, this isn't what I really want, I was just going along with it.' I wanted him to say those things now, instead of telling me when it was too late. But he didn't, so I swallowed it. He dropped me home and went to collect his children. I cried all afternoon, and the next day.

I wanted someone to talk to, and had no one. Mollie was at her dads and I was so lonely.

On Tuesday James took me in and the nurse explained how the treatment works. I had to insert four tablets inside myself. This made things worse...I had the physical control to kill my baby. James said he would go and get me food and let me get on with it.

Whilst he was gone I asked the nurse (who was lovely) if my baby was still alive after the tablet on Sunday. She said possibly. Possibly wasn't good enough. I just didn't have the strength or courage to say 'I don't want to do this', only to find that it had gone already. She gave me the applicator and left the room. I was left to do the deed.

I cried and cried and wished to the bottom of my heart James would storm through the door and say 'stop, let's go home and buy a pram'. He didn't.

So I entered the toilet and was left to let something so precious slip away. I was in total control of my own actions, left to do the deed myself, with no one watching no one helping, no one supporting the most agonizing time of my life. I inserted the applicator and held it for twenty minutes, crying and sobbing with my heart aching, not being able to breath properly because this was what I thought would make people happy. I was more concerned about other people than a baby who couldn't fight back, who couldn't say no, who would never say mummy, who would never be cradled, or hugged or kissed. I cared more for other people, more for myself. I tried to look at it as a good reason, it was the worst!!!!! Dachbeschichtung

I was shaking and crying and scared, and the moment I pressed the release button on the applicator I collapsed. I was inconsolable. Not only was I having an abortion, I was performing it myself. From that moment on I regretted it, hated myself and wished I could turn back time. Impossible I know, but my only wish.

I got into bed as advised and cried myself to sleep. The pain woke me up as I clambered out of bed. I could feel everything slipping away, emotionally and physically. I went to the toilet and looked down, something I was advised not to do. I wanted to punish myself, to make myself feel worse to compensate for what I had done to my baby and my body, and for what I was putting James through.

It was taken away and within ten minutes the nurse returned to inform me that she was sure I'd lost all I needed to lose. Little did I know there was a lot more to come.

I got back into bed with the most agonizing pain ever, to my record worse than labor. They gave me painkillers and then a shot of Pethidine which helped, but funnily I wanted to be in pain to be punished for what I'd done. James was comforting me and broke down into tears. He confessed he had wanted the baby and couldn't understand why I didn't if I loved him. This made me feel even more guilty. Not only had I let the baby slip away from me, I had taken it away from its father - something I will never forgive myself for.

I knew from that moment James was beginning to hate me, just as much as I hated myself. It was too late. I tried to explain why I'd done it, I don't think he believed me. He thought it was just an excuse From the deepest part of my soul, it wasn't - it was the whole truth.

I wanted James to be happy, his children to be happy, my family to be happy. I wanted him to be my husband, to have children with him, and I let all this slip away in one selfish mistake. The biggest mistake, the worst mistake.

I was allowed home at teatime; James got ready and went to work. Not just as he normally would, but all dressed up as if he didn't care for my physical or emotional state. I know he didn't like me at that moment, but thought he loved me.

I decided to go away for the weekend with friends to see if it helped overcome the days of tears. The morning sickness was still there, but worth nothing.

James accused me of sleeping around whilst away, which hurt because of the state of my body and what it was having to cope with.

I returned yesterday and spent the afternoon with Mollie and his children. He hardly spoke and never touched me once. He came home, got dolled up and went out. He was punishing me too.

He didn't return home. I phoned the hospitals, visited places he may be, phoned the police and eventually got hold of him when he switched his phone back on. I asked where had he been, what had he been doing, did he think I was that horrible and evil he'd have to betray me in a way he knew would hurt? I've had it done to me before by someone else and he knew how much it hurt me then. He said he wasn't betraying me, but I don't know what to believe.

Before the 25th of November 2003, we were happy. We had arguments, but we were happy.

Today, six days later, I'm sitting here waiting for him to collect his things. I don't know whether he has stopped loving me or if he ever did, but I know I love him and always will.

I hate myself for what I've done, I can only try and tell my story. I was selfish, heartless, unthoughtful and nasty. It's something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I've tried explaining this to him, but I don't think he believes me. It's true.

Every morning I wake up, it's the first thing on my mind, and every night before I try to sleep, it's the last thing I think of.

The biggest mistake of my life. The hardest thing, the most painful. I'm hurting physically and emotionally. I haven't just lost the baby, I've lost my family, my life, my happiness, and I deserve everything I get.

Judgment from other people after my abortion has not helped the situation.

My ex-partner's girlfriend found a leaflet concerning abortion in my daughter's changing bag, which I used to visit the hospital. She is now sending me messages in extreme detail about murdering my baby. What right do other people have to judge? Yes, they have an opinion on abortion itself, but not on individual cases. She has now passed this vindictive information to many people around the area I live in. Within twenty-four hours of other people knowing my business, things seem to be getting harder, let's hope they get better. I've now been forced by other people to tell my family, who are also distraught. This was done to help prevent them from finding out from a third party. I know what I've done is wrong but that gives people (who aren't aware of the circumstances) no right to comment. I've dealt with enough hurt without this. I'd like to advise people to tell only friends you can truly trust. If they criticize instead of support you, they're not your true friends. I'm not a religious person but if you truly have no one, then I believe you'll always have someone, GOD.

I'd like it if people could read my account before an abortion - not to change their choice but to give them a true experience of the ordeal they'll face. I know it's vivid, but I also know that this is the truth and if written in any other way it would feel like I was betraying women by making them think it's just an abortion. It's a decision you live with for the rest of your life, with or without regrets. Please think long and hard about what you want and not other people.

I'm not saying I'm against abortion, but in the UK it can be done so easily, no questions asked.

It may well be the right choice for some people, it wasn't for me. I could have been a mother, a good one and offered all I had. Instead I let it slip away and did it myself, something I'll NEVER forgive or forget.

All I can say is "Baby, I love you, always have always will. I'm sorry, I don't expect forgiveness, but please believe me when I say, I'm sorry. I love you, sweet dreams."