When I was 15 I got pregnant with my son. Five days before he was born his
father was killed in a car accident. Though my parents had originally encouraged
me to place my baby for adoption, they were very supportive of my decision to
keep him and helped me to finish high school.
Halfway through my senior year, I turned 18 and started going to the bars.
There I met my new boyfriend; my knight in shining armor who I hoped would marry
me and be a daddy to my son. We were very much in love and he loved my son too.
Just after graduation, I discovered I was pregnant again. I couldnt face
telling my parents. I couldnt handle them being disappointed in me again. I was
afraid. My boyfriend didnt seem to want to have this baby. Instead it seemed
like he just wanted to be rid of a problem. What on earth would I do with 2
children by 2 different fathers? Who would ever want me? I didnt want an
abortion but I didnt want to be alone and I desperately wanted a daddy for my
It was a day in late August 1980. At the clinic, they asked me why I was
choosing abortion. I wasnt choosing abortion at all; I felt like I didnt
have a choice. The room was cold and for a minute I think I convinced myself I
was just going in for a pap. They told me I would have some cramps, I would
hear the suction machine and then it would all be over. I remember being scared
out of my mind and wanting to leave, but I couldnt, I had to go through with
this. I remember the nurse holding my hand as I started to cry and I realized
that it wasnt my insides that were being sucked out of me, but my baby. And I
wanted it to stop. Not only did my baby die that day, but deep down inside, so
did I. In the waiting room afterwards, they gave me juice and cookies, like I
had just given blood or something. I remember thinking, I just killed my baby
and I get juice and cookies for a reward. It made me sick inside. I couldnt
get out of there fast enough. I just wanted to get drunk and stoned and kill the
pain in my body and soul. I ended up on a street corner, screaming and crying out
to God to forgive what I had done. But I knew God couldnt forgive this one
this was the unforgivable sin. At least thats what I thought.
I bled for 2 months afterwards, ending up in the hospital with a D&C. Sometimes
an abortion is not complete and parts of the baby can be left inside, causing
hemorrhaging. I know this is exactly what happened to me. A year later, I was
diagnosed with endometriosis. With the realization that I may never have another
child, I believed this was Gods punishment for what I had done. The
relationship with my boyfriend eventually ended. I became promiscuous; I drank,
and did drugs - anything to stay numb and not have to think about life. I had a
few relationships in between my running around but I wouldnt let anyone too
close. If I did, they might find out who I really was. I went through the
motions of living but really only existed.
But on December 23, 1993 my whole life changed. I experienced the love and mercy
of God filling my heart. That night was the beginning of a healing journey that
Im still on today. Like Thomas touched Jesus wounds - Jesus touched mine that
night and began to heal me. I have received Gods forgiveness. I have learned to
forgive myself. I have grieved, for my baby, Jennifer Rose, and for the loss of
my fertility, as my husband and I are unable to have a child.
I DEEPLY REGRET MY ABORTION. Living with the painful truth that I took the life
of my child would not be possible if not for the grace of God. In the most
mysterious ways, that I cant even begin to understand, God has transformed the
ugliness of my sin into a beautiful testimony of His mercy.
Its time the truth be told and abortion be seen for what it really is the
death of a child and the wounding of women and men for life, as we grieve for
the little person who is no more.